Swallowed

Youngblood : Taking it from here

Pauline V. Apilado
Inquirer News Service

DO you sometimes have the feeling that you're being swallowed up by the events of your life? That, yes, things are moving along, but your heart and soul are somewhere else entirely? That your life is not your own? That precious, precious time is slipping away from you because you don't have focus or purpose?

Let me be more explicit by walking you through my daily routine. See if you can relate to it or even just parts of it.

I dress up in the morning and I'm excited by what I'm going to wear. It's something I can directly control. I can be as creative with the color and style combinations as I want. What I'm going to wear to work can be new and fresh. (This is actually one of the best parts of my day!)

Then I step out of the house and join the rest of the working world in a mad, mad morning rush to our offices. I don't know how many times I've stared out the window of my Ayala Avenue-bound FX [taxi van] at the morning traffic and said to myself, "This is crazy! I don't want to live like this. Why do we live like this?"

I see people scurrying about, frowning if they fail to catch their ride to work. Or, I don't know, are they frowning because of déja vu? It's the same scene that's been played out and they've starred in a million times. I ask myself if the dismay or blank expression I see in people's faces during my morning commute is just a symptom of existential questioning I find myself engaged in. "What on earth am I here for? Am I doing the right thing or is there something else I should be doing but am not? Am I just letting my life slip away from me? Or am I the only one asking these questions and feeling lost and confused?"

When I get to work, I have to get my caffeine fix. Believe me, if I can live without it, I would. I just need the extra jolt of energy to get me through the day. In that sense, I'm no different from those who have become dependent on the bottle or other substances. As a rational human being, I know that the thing I'm addicted to isn't good for me and is making my normal body functions go haywire, but I use it as a crutch to help me get through my daily working life.

I don't seem to sound all that cheerful about work and yet, I've told my friends I personally prefer to work in the great urban jungles of Ayala, Eastwood or Ortigas. There's an energy in these places that you just feed on. I feel strangely alive, yes, in the frenetic pace of activities in these megacenters of work and commerce. I love watching what people are wearing, how they carry themselves with self-importance, how they mentally plan out their tasks for the day (or even just their meals!). These are my people. We share similar concerns and worries, not to mention the staple: My God, I have a report due tomorrow morning and I haven't even started on it. How in hell am I going to finish it on time?

And (you guessed it right!) the rest of the day passes by in a blur. It's one deadline, task, meeting, phone call or another. There are good moments, good conversations or good meals with friends in between and, I believe, that's a huge part of what we live for and what keeps us sane on a daily basis. And to clarify the matter, I do work with a good group and there are opportunities to learn from every situation we find ourselves in.

The workday ends and my morning commute is put in reverse. When I get home, I'm too tired to reflect on what happened in the course of the day, even if I want to and know I need to. My evenings are spent living vicariously through other people's trials and triumphs ( a.k.a. escapism): "Six Feet Under," "The Probe Team Documentaries" or whatever's on HBO or Star Movies that sustains my interest. (In the rare instances that I'm home early, I catch snatches of "Entertainment Tonight," "Encantadia" and "All About Eve.")

That's a quick run-through on my daily life. It's an eclectic mix of content and discontent. Now I realize that I should be happy that I'm asking questions, rather than just slogging through it daily and feeling oddly empty and clueless.

A friend told me that one of her key "take-aways" (our catch-word for lessons learned from a training session) is that work is not always happy, and to work from there. This I can apply to my life. Then there are the ellipses and "if I had the time." (That's another page from my journal altogether.)

I don't mean to keep you in suspense or withhold your hoped-for happy ending. There isn't any, this is just what is for now. I have to take it from here.

Pauline V. Apilado, 27, is an organizational development associate at eTelecare Global Solutions Inc.